It’s late and I can’t seem to get to sleep. I’ve got a very long day tomorrow and I should have been in bed a long time ago. I find myself wondering where we will be a year from now, two years, five years, ten years. God has begun to do some serious work in my heart and in my head this week and I’m glad for it, but my questions about what His will is for our future still go unanswered. As I said in my little writeup about the retreat, I’m at peace with God on this issue but it doesn’t stop my natural curiosity.

There are desires of my heart that I honestly believe that God wants to give me, and I believe He will someday. I wish to be a person who makes an impact on the world. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and say to myself, “I never made a difference.” I want to expand God’s Kingdom here on earth, I want to share His grace and peace with people, I want to fulfill the calling God has on my life. I believe that these desires are pleasing to God, and I believe that they come from Him. If it were up to me, I would desire a fat bank account, a job as a sports radio talk show host and all of the trappings that would come with.

I guess the question I am wrestling with is, “Am I ready to pay the cost?” I believe that God has placed that question in my heart this evening and it is what is keeping me awake. I have always struggled with submitting my will to God’s Will. I like to make plans, I like to control what is going to happen, I want to decide what my future holds. But in order to achieve what God has planned, I must give up control and live only by faith. Living only on faith is hard to do, and sometimes it can stretch us until it hurts.

Am I ready to go where God wants, even if it’s not where I want to go? I’ve thought about Jonah all day today, I don’t really know why. I’m wondering if it’s God’s way of warning me against making plans of my own.  Ever since we came home from the retreat, I’ve been trying to guess what God has planned for us based on the prophecy Shane & Kathryn shared with us.  Are we going to Florida where we seem to be a good fit for the job there?  Is God renewing our calling to Mission Manitou from two years ago?  Is God calling us to something new?  If God is calling us to something new, when are we going to get the vision for what that is?  I have questions and I’m trying to guess the answers.  I just need to wait.

Another thing that I’m dealing with is God is really calling me out of my comfort zone in several areas.  I am comfortable in the background, all by myself.  I don’t like being up front, I don’t like attention.  I know most of you who read this won’t believe it, but it’s true.   Over the past few years I have gone from always up front to hiding in the shadows.  I no longer feel comfortable speaking in front of a crowd and I am terrified of playing my guitar and singing in front of a group bigger than 5 or 6.  But God is making it clear to me that this is exactly what He desires me to do, and to do it in a greater way than I ever have before.  Honestly, that scares me a lot because it’s not how I’m wired.

I believe that God has put a special calling on my life and I know that He desires to do amazing things through me.  (I’m not boasting, I’m just accepting what He has spoken to my heart directly and through others.)  My biggest fault is that I feel inadequate to fulfill the tasks set before me.  I don’t feel I have done well with the small things God has entrusted to me, so I am nervous about the time that is coming when I will be required to do much more.  I must not fear failure because that is a prison.  God will not let me be overwhelmed.

I need to go to bed, tomorrow is going to be a long day.  It’s a good thing God is my strength because I’m going to need Him tomorrow.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I’m a very lucky guy.  I’ve been feeling kinda down the past couple of days because there are a couple of things in my life that aren’t great right now.  But at times like these, it’s really important to think of the good things and realize how much the good outweighs the bad.

• I have an awesome family.  My wife, my daughter, my parents, my siblings, my extended family are more than I could ever hope for.  The only thing that could make my family better is more kids, but that’s a little ways down the line still.
• I have a job and a steady paycheck.  I don’t make a whole lot of money and I’m not doing what I want to do for the rest of my life, but having been without work for a very long time I know how valuable a good job can be.
• I have great friends.  I have many great friends who make me laugh, who teach me things, and I know I can depend on them whenever I need them.
• I have a place to live and food to eat.  That puts me ahead of most of the world’s population.  While I may not get to enjoy the finer things in life as much as I would like, my needs are taken care of and that’s far more important.
• I belong to the best church in the world.  If you don’t believe me, just come for a couple of weeks and you’ll see.   If I left to go start another church somewhere, I would try as hard as I could to grow the same atmosphere of welcome and community that Tri-City has.
• I have a new life.  This one is the big one.  I need to remember that the crucifixion scene I have tattooed on my right arm was a real event and that it was for me that it happened.  I need to remember that God desires for me to have a full life, not a life mired in sorrow.

That’s only part of what is a much longer list, but it seems like a good start.

Nineteen years ago I was six years old. Our family was living in LaCrosse, Wisconsin at the time. Ronald Reagan was president, “Walk Like an Egyptian” was the biggest song on the radio, and baby Jessica fell down the well. I was in the first grade at Harry Spence Elementary School and my best friend was Scott Barton. I remember all of those things (especially after a little help from Wikipedia).

One thing I don’t remember from 19 years ago is watching the Detroit Tigers play a playoff game. I know we were watching because both my parents are big Tigers fans, but I can’t remember it. The Tigers lost in 5 games to the Minnesota Twins.

Tonight is a special occasion for me. For the first time that I can remember in my whole life I am going to watch the Detroit Tigers play a playoff game. I am realistic about their chances. They are, after all, playing the mighty New York Yankees and their All-Star lineup. But I’m excited to see this team of inexperienced rookies, average joes, and cast-off former stars play in October and it means something. They have a 1 in 8 chance of winning the World Series, and I’m very excited to see what happens.